havent been here much ey..?
my nose hurts from the dust..
ok tet~

while i was gone..
i had d time of my life..
being attatched to one of the best person in the world who never fails to make me laugh and smile with his stupid jokes every time we meet..

but jealousy just got the better of me..
2 more days & i'd b 3 months w him..

he is gone now..
blown away w all my expectations of having a someone who would look after me..
iy hurst so bad..
i cant concentrate at work..
i keep myself bz at home by playing games on the fone..
i cant kip my mind of him..
it hurts too much..

one reason why i was w him was because i was touched by his life story..
he was in such deep shit & noone cared..
he tried to pray for the better but he got nothing till he gave up..

i wanted to give him hope..
i really did..
i wanted to guide him to a change..
i seriously did..

but i wasnt prepared for the worst..
& he was half ready..


but for everything he is & everything he issint..
i love him still
i wanted to be there for him.. for everything
to b his pillar
to b his strength
to show him tt he stil has a reason to live
to assure him tt he cn & shud stil belif in God..

but i failed..
i failed miserably..
i failed so bad..
im a failure..

all i can tink & worry abt is him..
is he eating fine..
did he wake up on tym for work..
is he finding a better job to secure his future..
is he moving on gud w his lyf..?
is he doing better w/o me?
did he find someone who cud change him more den i cud..?
is he havin a gud nyt slp? a gud rest?

i xnt stp cryin..
i miss him so much..

i js wanted to make lyf btr fr him~
what was so rong abt tt???
y m i punished & was saperated frm him??

for everything you are & you're not.. i love u frm d bottom of my shattered heart..

so fast..
too fast.
i wish recovery would take this fast..

Dysthmia is a type of chronic “low-grade” depression. More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years). These chronic symptoms make it very difficult to live life to the fullest or to remember better times. Some people also experience major depressive episodes on top of dysthymia, a condition known as “double depression.” If you suffer from dysthymia, you may feel like you’ve always been depressed. Or you may think that your continuous low mood is “just the way you are.” However, dysthymia can be treated, even if your symptoms have gone unrecognized or untreated for years.

me?
yes?
help??

why am i re-reading everything again and again??
why do you still appearin my head??
why cant u just pack up and leave?

but..
but bby why didnt u stay forever like you once said..?

i've never stopped loving you
even during the times i typed the other 4 letter words..
and scream at you..

3 more months..
its gna b 2 whole yrs..
& ur gna b happily married..

i stil..
STILL!
dun understand why i still cant let go of you
i feel so down right now i just feel like locking myself up in here.


idk who to talk to anymore..
everyone has their other half to talk to..
work is a chore.. a hastle..
i really dun wana go to work..

sometimes i feel as if im down w depression..
most of the times i wonder..
why do i care so much about others when dey dun gif a shit abt me..

i dun wana laugh eveyday and cry everynight..
i wana scrceam all day long!

AND I DUN FUCKING CARE ANYMORE IF MY SPELLINGS ARE WRONG~~!

`so many things to think of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dun wana think already!

everyday i wonder to myself..
why do i make myself suffer wif all the nonsense to think about..??
but how do i make it stop?

treat me in psy for all i care!
JUST! MAKE! IT! STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
make it stop.. please please pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please make it stop~

make it stop please..

yes yes yes yesssss~
my life is in a state of mess
its super messy
its freaking messed up
AND YES! i feel that its so fucked up.

i hate work
or maybe im pushed to think that i hate work.
no
i DO hate my job.
yes.
because i have to juggle 2 freaking things.
and all have to be done at the same time.
and having to be in-charge as well..~
ouh that adds the STAR to my hate list.

my room's a mess
my bed's a mess
my table is in a mess again
my reports are worst
my heart just don't wana listen to me
and doesn't give any feedback.

IM A TOTAL MESS!

how in the world did i get here..?
yes im lazy..
BUT I KNOW MY LIMITS..
i know i know IM SURE I KNOW!!
i am sane!
i don't come from a broken family
my parents are fine
my house is superbly fine
my sisters are still the same..

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG..??!!

can someone diagnose me please!
cus i fucking don't freaking know what the freaking ass is wrong with me or my life..

i may be lazy..
but i know where i should stand!
I KNOW!
I AM SUPER SURE I KNEW!
I KNOW I WASN'T THIS WAY WHEN I WAS A STUDENT!

i maybe lazy but i still do my work..
IM GETTING WORST NOW!!!!!!


what what whaaaat?
what's causing all these?
WHATT???!!!!!

someone diagnose me please.
im just so fucking messed up.

i know..
i know im not well like-d by people..
people who have yet to know me..

at least i know and i realise it..
but do i have to lose..?

unless ur that important in life..
like if i have to work super damn closely to you
and like if u r the reason i live and can live and wont b able to live w/o..
than that's a whole different story~

you think i suck..?
think back.. what the hell do i suck..?
suck ain't even a real work..
its a slang~

ouh just tel me straight to the face~
come one..
you can't be that much younger than me to play such games..
those secondary school things~

"i hate you i tell my friends then it goes to everyone" kinda thing..
or the "i hate you and i leave you a note, from anonymous"

-_-"

I freaking need my time out. Seriously! I dun ever remember breaking down every single month! I think this is the worst kind of stress im handling since i was born~ i gucking hate being incharge and hahing wols to be incharge off. Its like might as well i do tings on my own. I dun even noe how the f im gna sort things out. Im so inexperianced! Fuck d spelling. I dun bother~ im tired of shits. Enuf shits already please~ until wen m i gna do tis?? Im tired already.. Its only a few months n im tired. Really i am.. I dun wan to reach a point of time wher i reach a stage wher i gif up and throw everythong so far away and just walk off.. Im nt tt iresponsible so please dun make me feel tt way. Im tired. I really am..

I just need my time off. Please just give me my time off soon please~ im tired.

And yah~ im weak like that if u c it s tt. Its not tt i wan to. I rlyy hate to~

Miracel pleasee~

i miss you blogger~!!!!!
but im just tooooo caught up with work..
and rest and teeeeeveeeee~
hehe..

yes. work is like bleargh-ly taking most of my time.
acherly not..
its the tiredness which comes with it..

ouh work makes me so lazy..
and i have loads to catch up..
suppose to be doing it..
BUT I DON'T WANT TO~!
I WANA CONTINUE BEING A TEEN~!!
ya i still am.. according to the months..
but no im not according to what im suppose to do~
bleahh~

tireddddddddddd.. 1hr break and ima do all my dum work!

maybe they don't know
maybe they don't understand..
or maybe i just feel the way im feeling because i've never experience such things to over come the hugest obstacle in this phase of my life..

maybe they just don't understand the situation..
but then again..
who would..?
unless he/she goes tru it.. ryt?

i am not obsessive of the ex
it just so happen i dream about him
and idk why, i woke up crying

well then i reasoned to myself, maybe i still miss him..?
but that is the dumbest thing ever~
shouldn't i be missing the personssss after him instead?
shouldn't i be missing the one who suddenly left for another..?

budden again..
his "leaving" was much dramatic..
*what a word to use*

without reason
over FACEBOOK~
*i suddenly saw i wasn't in a r/s -___-
no calls, just a "simple" txt mxg
if i remember correctly, it was "don't call me anymore" and some continuation about break up.

well there are things which we definitely cannot control~
and feelings are one of them..
*are ke is..? wah dah karatzzzz sak~*

maybe i should conduct a survey on how long gurls take to get over their first real r/s.. and that being their seriously first r/s..
get some stats and make people shut.

im not trying to be evil or anything
it just pains the heart that ppl tell u things you cannot deny, yet at the same time cannot do a fkin thing to change..
and they dont understand exactly what you are feeling..

its like a feeling of wanting to do A but the fkin world wants and needs and forces you to the freaking B..

if ppl tink it dsn't feel stupid and bleeds the wound yet again..
just to wake up after 2 years and start crying again..
then they are wrong..

it's like loosing someone in a car accident, and everyone needs you to get over it..
when everyone, including yourself sees that u have, but suddenly every single thing re-lives again..

it totally ass-you-see-kay