sometimes
no actually, most of the times..
i wonder why i choose to bother so much~

things will turn right back around
it will
just not now..
not anytime near
even if it wants to turn right back around right now
i won't allow it to

the faster it turns right back up
the faster it'll go back down

on another note
i have to seriously pluck up all the courage leaves off the courage tree
even if that means none would be left for awhile
it will grow anyway kan..?

not for today..
okay maybe i'll need it too today
but not as much

i'll need all the courage i can get to face dikir world again
i miss Endang and the stage and everything else
but i know that won't be enough for me to face it

May May May..
i've got about 3 months to pluck it all up..

i miss the stage

i don't see the point
aku nak marah2
tak salah per
kau buat aku marah
aku marah la bey?

samer nan aku
yang aku pon pi pandai2 bace blog org
org tak suro per
kau~
yang kau pi pandai2 bace blog n twitter acc aku pon aku tak suro per
bey?
aku mengamok kau pon nak mengamok?
pe?
salah aku?

eh dah bagos tu kau leh bace blog aku yg hari2 aku update ni~
nan twitter acc aku yang hari2 pon di-updated-kan

just dun freakin back off again uh
i've no time for cowards.

kay bye

IBU ALLOWS ME TO PLAY FOR THE NEXT COMP WITH ENDANG~!!!!
=))

on the other hand.
your news suck.
whatever *rolls eyes*
i hate you now
serious.

i gta suck it all up
but who cares?

no regrets
im gna delete everything
tsk.
it just gta happen again
fk~

okay please.
dun get the wrong idea from the tittle~

and they had been my #1 love since i was turning 17~
i love being with them
i love the bond that we share
so surreal~
=))

yes
my number 1 love was Endang
i just hope Ibu allows me to let them be my #1 love yet again
i miss them so much
i miss sitting on the floor singing out super loud and clapping our hands to the beat
damn i miss those days..

i played the anak since like forever
okay bedek..
the last time i went for training i played it
haha

and if Ibu allows
im gona have my dream come true~
up the stage playing anak rebana~
best tuuuuu

Ayril pon gave some beats for me to play
waaaaaah
SHIOK MAN!!
heee~

ouh ouhh!
after training i received a call
3 job openings for me
the person is gona help submit my resume
and if i am shortlisted
i'd be called for an interview
i hope im shortlisted for the 5.5days job
that wud b a better offer man~
ts office hours
then i can go for training!!
and sunday is off day..
so that means YES for competitions~!!

man i am excited
*prays*

i really hope Ibu allows me to play for comp
i've missed quite a number of comps with Endang
i really wish to make a come back
AND AKU NAK MAIN ANAK REBANE TU JUGAAAAAK!!!
tak heran la tu anak adi ke anak tekak dier ke..
anak tetap anak per~
action pukol muker dier pon ok gak per~
hahaha

yesterday's post was suppose to be longer
but..
let's just say something went wrong
and i was super scareded to my guts
i quickly off the lalio and hibernate the lappy and "sleep"

i dun wana story about what happen
but it definitely was scary
just hope it wont hapen agn tnyt~
=\

so i had to go for another interview.
from the same agent
only at different branch
but this time
it was more of an interview interview
geddit?

the interviewer asked more questions
more detailed questions
was kind of nervous
she very straight forward and very professional
scardded lor~

den off to meet the EndangDutzz for bowlinggg~
funn
been long since i had fun with Endang~ =)

ate at KFC with the gurls
went over to SR to buy cake for kak Jaja kiter
and surpriseeee~!!
hehe

hey
atie = drama queen
so please ekh.
i lie when i need to kay beb
its for your surprise anyway kan? =))

okay i'll end it here
something is really creepy~
byee~

interview(S) was okay la
ler stakat~
just ask basic things
what positions i looking for
what type of shifts.. 5.5 days or rotating shifts possible
when i can start
blah blah~

cek~

watched movie for free..
and the heart beat super fast screaming his name
-__-"
seriously heart.. you can stop it already
you're no longer in his hands and won't be anymore kay~
he handed you over to me already
so stop wanting to run back to him
ape la best nyer tgn orang compared to rumah kau yang sedia ader nih??
tak serik jatoh dri tgn dier ekh?
haiyoo~
stop it la please favour.

ouh
tmr gona b Endang's outing
so before i head to meet them all
going back to SR take some thing~
then gooo
*pray somethings*

kay dah
nothing else.
no other offer on jobscentral
gona sleep for now~

Labels: life, MrN, work

omg omg omggggg~!
aku terase amat kental dang dengz~

kay wait now i need to go search how to go to these places

kay.
fyi
i got 2 go for 2 interviews today
i just hope more interview come la
and finish it today
aku pening ni!!!

kay one at suntec tower one
the other at ngee ann city tower a
3pm n 415pm

KAOZ~

i scarded~
hahaha

kk go find where

gaaah
i scared tak sempat seyy..
omggggg

now ibu is home
she biseng2 bcs i nvr jemo d kain
-______-"
u cuci u jemo lorrr~
tsk~

OMG FAR!!
okay la not that far
but stil far!!!!!
gosh
i hope can still make it~
=))

kay now go jemo kain
print a copy of my CV
prepare the things
go find baju
OMG I DUN HAVE KASUT!!!!!
whatever. js pakai d koyak one.
can bring slipa la

BUT GO ALONE??
omg!!!

kay tak pe..
its cool~

KAY BYE

Labels: life, work

it really would make me feel a whole lot better to know you ain't checking up anymore..
so maybe i should just remove the patrol..
or log into the patrol less.

you don't have to hide you noe~
yes i still do call out your name at night before i sleep
and call out your name when i wake up after dreaming of you

but i know
this is the certainty that ive been asking for all these while..
that i totally don't belong to you

i know now
and i realise

tho i still dunoe what you're trying to prove or make me trust out of whatever you have done..
and i still dunoe why i should trust in believing in you abt this matter
that something good will happen out of it..

i still trust tt something good will indeed turn out from this mess
not exactly trusting you
but trusting fate

i still miss u tho
but it'll go no where..
hmm..

and ouh
i stare blankly lesser now..
i have more things to think about
so i think less of you
that's good right?
yup i noe.

u nvr left ryt?
cus ur stil ryt here
in my heart.
*gosh tt sounds so.. blurgh~!
but who cares..?*

Labels: MrN

omg!
i am so nervous!
hahaha

yes aku giler
why?
korang cam tak kenal atie jek..

i need help
anyone with scanner?
i need to scan my picture
to put in my CV

or someone snap a nice decent picture of me please =)

and i wana scan my results
so can put in also..

all done
only that my CV is not exactly done-ded yet
last drwn salary kosong
no result slip.

but..
just hantam lah
InsyaAllah can =)
AMIN!

please pray with me~
need it man~ gosh..

Labels: life, work

yes im so confused!
but not due to the heart matter~

Ayah wants me to continue studies
Ibu suggest that I be a temporary teacher
Fizul told me to just try applying for Universities
Aisyah told me she already applied for jobs online and is just waiting for calls for interview..

waduh~
susah deh~

IBUUU~!
just match make me with some rich man's son
marry us and make him pay all the expenses~
haiyaa
ain't it easier?
don't need to work~
just stay at home and take care of the kids

haha~
uh yer la..
malam2 mimpi orang yang tak perlu
lagi nak pi kawen?
tsk tsk..
atieeee atie~
haha


ouh ouhh~
i still cannot believe that i am telling people i am turning 20~!
and i am waiting for my cert from Polytechnic..
and that I'll be a diploma holder soon
AND THAT I AM ALREADY AN ADULT!!

omg!!

im still trying to finish up my CV
gosh..
my CV looks ugly~

i dunoe if i shud state that i have graduated..
or not.
haha

uh apape la.

ibu still wants me to go ask Teacher Tina about the MOE thing
so i guess i'll finish up this CV of mine..
then go ask cher tina abt it~

and ouh.
if you guys dunoe what CV is..
its resume kay~
hehe

i want to makan!
and ouh, today is a good day
why?
because i woke up much earlier than other days
and i mandi right after i wake up
so today is not kopet day~
hahaha

Labels: life, random

look at him!!



he is just so cute and adorable~
my ouuuuh my!

totally remind me of my cute botak days as a baby
hehe. masok bakul angkat sendiri nampak?
but this boy is so much much more ADORABLE!!

haa..
confirm dah besa hensem kan?
so cute!





that WAS me.
hehe.
but there were cuter pictures kay..
hee~

Labels: babies

=)) now i am proving your words bebeh.. that i am indeed strong. =)



I STILL MISS THE THREE OF YOU!! biler la paper-paper korang nak habes..?


hahahaha~ ariff the clown!


this one kind of tak perlu.. but it was still funny~ WAS..




i miss her too.. crnt believe that we became much closer due to FYP. we used to hate each other like till the end of the world~ haha

a very funny and random birthday wish~ i loike!

best birthday ever! =)) tnx again guys~ =)

first person to wish me on FB =)

and finally the last one, Ahmad's well wish for our final day of FYP~!


man..
memories..

now now. i really have to mandi.
or ibu will scream
toodles~ =))

Labels: facebook

i am just an ordinary girl
i laugh i cry i tell stupid jokes which are not funny
i have girlfriends who i can run to
i make people laugh and smile
i curse and swear
i love and i fall

i am just an ordinary girl
who just wants things every other girls wants

i don't ask for fairytales
or magic dust
or wishes on the stars to come true

i ask for happiness
love and care

i am just an ordinary girl
who laughs and cry of her own stupid mistakes
and hopes that someone will walk right up to her to offer help and sort those mistakes out

i am just an ordinary girl
who ponders over a broken hope
knowing that it might be a good thing which had happen
but also feeling the hurt
looking out for things to help heal herself
asking and questioning along the way

i am just an ordinary girl
who gets hurt by lies and untold truths
and broken trust and hopes

i am just an ordinary girl
who needs her girlfriends

i am just an ordinary girl
who is trying her best to let things go
pick herself up
and show the world that she can

i am just an ordinary girl
who hates the world for not being of a help
who hates the laughter of those looking at her dreadful condition

i am just an ordinary girl
so please
don't laugh at me
don't jeer me
for falling out of love
and not being able to stand right back up in an instant

try being an ordinary girl for once
and know how we feel
to fall and not be able to stand for a moment

cus times like this
staying low on the ground and crying, reminiscing of the past
diluting the blood with our tears..
is a better feeling
than trying to stand, only to fall and make the cuts deeper

i am nothing
but ordinary..

Labels: life

no doubt im still confused to be angry or to just be happy..

at some points of time
i just wana look back and smile
but some times
i just wana slap the truth out from you..

tapi sejahat atie pon
tak de la betol2 sepak terajang orang kan?
lain la lau aku dah jadi 100% minah rep
not like i am..
*rollseyes*

but seriously
some times i just smile to thyink of everything that had happen
which is good
=)
but others
i just think of what happened
what had been said and done
and just wana scream and question why things don't happen
the things which were said to hasppen
not the ones i want to happen kay
jgn salah anggap =)

then again
i'm forcing myself at sometimes looking at things in a positive way
that it all happen with a reason
and that everything is just a blessing in disguise

so can i apologise and thank you again? =)

if you people think that i am an obsessive biatch
who cannot get over something so simple as this
i am not
it's not easy getting over someone you love okay
or in this case.. loved

get yourself stuck in this position
and see how you fair~

for wounds like this
medicines, medicated oils and plasters won't help.
only time would.
and kacau-ing people on tagged! haha~

im definitely emo-ing for a while
haha
biler mase aku tak emo pon?
heehehe~
but that doesn't mean i aint moving on or picking myself right back up
it's just part of moving on..

on another note
i still feel sick
but i need to let loose
gona meet nas n fiq later~!
woots
karaoke-ing with my sengau voice.
hehe..

im still joking n smiling n laughing like atie always does
so no worries
i am perfetly fine in my own way~ =)

Labels: life, MrN

gosh~
this is super killer~
haha

my ears are still ringging
and its making my sickish condition worst~
-____-"

and i was feeling warm
the cold
then now warm.. like hooot la~

but the sickness is not the exact killer of my day
being on a different understanding stand is!

gosh~

okay so i admit
i've been tagged-ing today
since i switched the lappy on.
that was like around 9+

i felt sick to the stomach
that i didn't bother switching on the lappy in the afternoon
what more
i was super kopet today~
but who cares~
haha

anyway
was chatting with this mat NS onlyn
he was like kind of pestering why this why that
-___-"
ouh come on.
we just started chatting DOH~
super whatever face flying to you! watch out~
*baaam!*

like seriously
whatever~ o_O"

first he asked
how long i was single
atie being atie..
nak selit2 joke la
but he just dun geddit
nmpk sgt staight sak~
BORING~!

tak pe
so aku pon mcm phm..
"2 mths plus kot"
hahaha~
2mths kau!

den he asked why i never move on
-________-"
WHATHEFUCK???

aku cakap la
"moving on..
but moving on is a killer"

then he argue~ in his super broken english~
KAOZ! CAN MAMPOS SIOL CHAT WITH THIS KIND OF PEOPLE~

meh i copy paste untuk u all u all yang kaypo tu yer..
"nope u wrng
those nt move on
is a real killer"

and he kaypo la can??
omg~
fez i say i sick
den he ask sakit ape? sakit jiwa?
den i say sakit hati
den ask kenape
den i say la i dowan story

den he ask y i break
i say agn i dowan story
heart pain for what?
woi~ this is direct translation! ; sakit hati buat ape?
den he ask
so u dun wana b attached anymore?

KAYPO OR WAT~
haha..
fez chat onie ask so many2 qn~
-___-"

i tell u all u all ni sumer kay~
i can die la sey chat with him~
o_O"

dier bual belit max
nan english tonggang terbailk
aku bual simple jek
ckp~

"moving on is a killer
but to not move on is suicide"

den he persisted
nooo..
"not move on is kill"

so you all you all..
you all bilang i la~
macam maner i nak understanding dier kan?
hehehe..
jahat aku~

meh meh~
u all u all pon kaypo jugak kan?
meh i kasi tunjuk sikiiiiiit macam ne dier nyer belit and difficulting to understanding kay

him:if u nt move on
u will keep remember of ur x
n everything else
so u e killer
coz u tknk move on
wen nvr move on
it means u saying all e guys r e same
which include
everybody is e same

me: eh, u bual v belit2 ekh~

him: nope im nt

ape dier bual???
tak paham dok~
last2
buat bodoh sua..

but i really dun understand
my stand on onlyn "kenal-kenal"
or getting to know someone onlyn
= chatting.. knowing him/her better & NO EXCHANGE OF NUMBERS yet

this person ekh
da la macam pakcik kaypo~
muker cam syafik~
bey asek tanyeeeeeee jek
lau gini cam ne
lau gitu cam ne
kaoz~

kalau you all you all yang kaypo tu nak tau macam maner punyer irritzzzzzZZZZ ni mamat..
meh la..
tak ya segan silu mintak i dier punyer chat log.
you all you all boleh bace sampai geram

haizz..
what a killer~

ni la mat tagged~
send mxg
org reply mintak numbe~
-__-"
bill aku melangbung ader ko nak pi baya?
dengz!
internet yg best ni mcm ader tnk pakai~
merepz~

haha..
will be back soon with interesting stories from tagged okay~
lau tak saba..
try la sendiri~
HAHAHA

Labels: tagged

please pardon the language
i understand better with my own broken & mixed language

funny how this feels like a break up
sebab.. we are just two different people
who are just confused of each other punye presence
kan..?

but this feels somehow worst
cus
i had my classmates and super close Endang gurls when i first broke up
and i had my FYP teammates
my GFs
and Syafik wen i broke up with that same stupid guy


yesternight i felt lost
i really felt super lost
for once i was alone
crying my eyes out
just wanting to scream out loud

my hingos were just getting worst
campo nan air mate..
hamek kau.. makin menjadi-jadi uh

i woke up with kerak2 from the airmate
and the hingos like all over my face..
but who cares?
i didn't even looked at myself in the mirror
what more,
i didn't wash my face before i slept
i bet the black lines i saw on my hands were eyeliner marks

and i think i bleed
cus i saw brown marks on my bedsheet
but who cares?
i do my own laundry~

i woke up and cried again
nagis2 dah macam budak giler
bobual sendiri
hentak2 tangan pat katel baru yang tilam nye masih keras nih
tumbuk2 bantal2 atas katil ni
campak2 bantal pat cupboard

naseb ibu tak masok
lucky she never mengamok and scream at me
that would have been worst..

and with a state like this
i'm proud to say at home
and not go out

but aku buat keje giler la
tak de orang pat rumah
nak gamble isap rokok pat tange
kol2 ibu tak angakt~
check2 dier balek, mangkok aku.
jadi aku buat la keje giler pat dapo
gi asap pat tingkap dapo
tapi ni keje bodoh maximum-est uh~
haha. so dumb.

i actually forgot that the nenek kaypo punye tingkap bilik n tingkap dapo are actually facing my tingkap dapo
so anytime dier boleh nampak
aku tunggu ape..
mati kan la rokok..
ingat nak asap lagi pat lua..
pk2 balek..
uh buang suda rokok tu
dah bau nye kuat..
mangkok aku lau kene tangkap..

so yah
the whole day aku kopet
atas katel dengan laptop
nages ketawe suke ria~
ketawe kan Nas pat telipon!
haha. part ni klaka! hahaha~
ey
tapi sayer mandi okay..

yang paling tak perlu nye bende yang jadi nari
MSN
i don't need that same three words from you
esp in caps ekh~ *rollseyes*
yes you MrN.
dah pandai simpan mxg hist kan?
pi bukak uh.. check.
tak paham jugak. your problem kay =)

ouh
was hungry
so i ate the semalam punye kepale ikan masak curry~
bluek.
but i just finish eating another half of the head~
hehe

ouh.
i was fb-ing and tagged-ing the whole day~

but..
its not worth it la.
tagged nye budak2..
haizz..

tapi my 2 GF found their other half on tagged la kan?

*rollseyes*
ader la org baru onlyn..
should change my settings..

anyway..
i dunoe what else to do now.
i'm sick of tagged.
boring.

what with the mat reps
and the kelings adding me up
the people from tak tau country maner tah adding me up
and the old people~
ee..
im only 19 ekh.
people like 27 are like adding me up.
*pukes*
haha
aku lebih rela dgn kau sak nas~ haha
eh padehal ex aku 6 thn beza ekh..
hahaha

uh pape la

but moving on too fast is a killer
nak chill2 lek2..

im definitely picking myself up
and that is guuuuud

still have questions left unanswered
but if it's still unanswered after the weekend..
then..
just leave it as that


i need GFs who are single and can mingle~
then can go out and lepak~
have fun!
lau members due nih da sangkut
susa sikit ler..
hehee~

but yea~
i'm still smiling..
still laughing

cam members cakap smalam
"ekh? kau ni atie ke bukan ni?
woi. atie. ketawe nan senyum ader beza tau.
kau senyap cam ni.. senyum jek tak klua suare..
seram pulak aku"

hahaha!!

kecoh dok.
member sorang bubble smalam
klua nan member lain.
bubble lagi lor.
tipu lagi laa~
penat uh

sakit ni macam pon nak buat orang sakit hati.
piiih!

and im getting sick-er by the minute. =\
hidung sombat tak cukop tau.
telinge pon nak sombat jugak
bey batok2 lagik~
hoii~
memang nak buang duit aku betol la pi belik ubat.
waste money!

and you reading with your Mac stuff
what ever la.
mac book ker
itouch ke
iphone ke..
suke per bace2 org nyer blog~
and you're not using singtel's wireless or broadband.
i noe la.
you think i stupid ekh?
dah la.
bace2 confirm suke kan bace blog aku ni
bey ketawe2
meh meh.. let me laugh with you
muaaaahahahaha
dah?
ok. tag la walau iyer pon..
mari la erat kan silaturahim ni~
ok dah

OUH!
i have yet to jemur my kain la.
tido nak masuk pukul 5 pagi
bangun pukul 10.
aku ingat part bangun tu.
aku dengar suare Fiza O
mandi nyer pukul 2 lebih
haha.
terok2

best.
sesaper nak ajak atie klua besok?
blh uh.
mendak uh pat ruma ni~
boring mangkok!

ok dah.
tu je.
panjang berjela kan?
haaa.. hamek kau!
hehe

Labels: complains, life, MrN

just promise me
for once
just once

that you won't walk right back in
when you had already walk away to the other end of the earth
and i am almost reaching my finishing line of recovery

just to tell the truth
make me fall back to my starting line
knowing very well that you'll walk away

i despise walk-away-ers
maybe i should have told you that from the start.

promise me.. just this once...

Labels: MrN

it's all a lie
a huge big big super big fat lie..

how could that be the last
if you knew it was
why bother to still meet up and hug?
why bother to want to meet again?
why bother to still read and be confused?
why bother to still read and wonder if it's all about you?

it's all a lie
a huge big big super big fat lie..

why bother promising to wait
and for what?
why bother asking for a change
and for what??

you're still lying
it's all still a lie..

and you just won't tell me the truth would you?
you just won't let me see the whole big picture to all these..
you're just purposely not showing everything
making things more difficult..

what?
what is it?
just show me the whole picture

you kept saying i don't understand
well, make me..

it's all blur and cloudy
how do you ever expect me to understand?
then why won't you make me understand?
why do all of these?
why me..?

ihateyou

i want to know
i wana understand..
stop lying or keep the truth untold
show me the whole picture
make me understand..
i just want to know.
please..?

Labels: MrN

ihateyou=\

Labels: MrN

bye world~
im gna miss everything
but yes.
i need to move on.
i'll start by getting a job.
can?
haizz...

ryt now..
im just so sad sad saded
*insert very very sad pouting face*

Labels: life

at least i know you're not a coward
like him !@#$%^&*
at least you bother to explain things

maybe what i felt from the start was right.
no. not maybe.
it is right.

and maybe whoever ibu doesn't like
won't happen.
so yea.

thank you =)

it's gona take a while.
but i'm gna pick myself right back up..
like i always do.

and maybe my feeling for you will fade too
pray for me?

Labels: MrN

im still contemplating to blog with fury or calmness.

i knew it
i saw it coming
i knew from the start
you WILL leave me

time and again i told you i was scared
and today
it just happen

so all those who wanted me to leave him
who didn't want me to be with him
your wish came true
he left
yes he did
with a simple text message
just like Adi did

gosh it's all the same
the hopes
the certain dreams come true
the "love"
the "care" and "concern"
the promises

well its just my luck ain't it?

now i can really push you hard,
hug my knees and cry..

that's what every one wants to see right?
lil miss atie crying


i can't believe it
why this?
why now??

why pretend to be concern?
why pretend to care?
why give hopes?
when in the end, you know very well you're gona leave
why??


how do u xpect ur feelings to not fade when you don't bother to nurture it?
tsk.


i just feel like throwing every single thing in this room to your face
im so angry
and sad
and irritated
and broken-heart-ed.

i don't know why and how you've got the heart to do this..

so thank you
for all the times spentwasted together
for all the attention/love/care/affection/concern/MONEY given
for all the truths/lies/bullshits/brokenpromises
for everything

you can finally hit the delete button for everything
done-ded for twitter
dond-ded for fb
now left MSN n hp contact

i won't stop you anymore.

ijustwisheverythingwasjustabadbadverybaddreamandiwouldwakeuptostillhaveyouaround.imissyousomuchandsomehowneedyoubutyoujustdon'tseeit.idon'twantyoutogo.pleasestay.=\

Labels: MrN

and i realise
since i was down with H1N1 like almost a year ago
everytime i fall ill
i would have terible headaches.
dangs.
it suck!

and yes..
i am down with flu
=\

when i was awoken by a text mxg this morning
i thought i was already better than yesterday..

but noooo
my head just gta feel super heavy and just gta spin every once in a while.
tsk~
i hate it..

nose block = ear block!
i hate ear block
my headache would be worst with the ears being blocked.
y?

u know the silence you hear in a very silent room?
the ringing sound in your ear.
yes! that suck to the max
and it makes my headaches worst!!

tsk~
i though i was gona be better..
but now i feel worst!
i bet im gna be terrible later..
tsk.

and ibu just called
ask me to follow her later to sheng siong
-____-"

i bet im gna be far off worst
haizz..
this means i have to reschedule our "meeting"
tsk~
hate it~

now im gna fry some food
pop in some things in the tummy and take in the panadol for cold.
and i totally need my panaco+anarax..

but panadol for cold already contains paracetamol
panaco and anarax contains panadol too!
hoi~ this is crazy!!
if i don't wake up..
it means i got an over-dose of paracetamol~

fuck that suck.
tsk..

shud haf just gotten flu tablets from the pharmacy yesterday instead of getting the panadol cold. tsk.

you can quit reading.
don't need to pretend anymore.
delete me off everything

twitter
facebook
MSN if you must..

most importantly,
your life.

go ahead.
hit the button.
i never meant a single thing from the start anyway..

as far as i remember
i was just someone you used to get away from her
and make her jealous.

so go..
just go.

i didn't delete you off
i blocked. then unblocked. for not even a day
i removed you off the list. but i un-private it
you can still read like you first did..
and i've changed my mine.
i'm not privatizing the blog

so come and read and click on the label
the one meant for you
the post talking about you

just go.
hit the button
GO!
*pushes you away*
*hugs knees*
*buries face in between knees*
*cries*

Labels: MrN

your presence is so great
that your absence kills..

Labels: MrN

it's true.
where you feel yourself
where you love
being loved and cared for
where your heart feels the best
that is where home is

but this..
this just ain't home most of the times.

yes
my heart runs away so far from here
i always get out to find it and keep it right back to where it is suppose to belong
right next to me

but sometimes
times like this especially
i feel like running away with the heart
just take me any where
just not here
i hate being here
i don't feel belong

i never asked to be your daughter
i never wished to gain your traits
i never asked for someone like you

i always pray for things to be better
at least for me to be a better daughter
who can stand all of these

i'm still praying to be a better daughter..
i still am..

im sick of being screamed at and given the stupid fucking face
everytime it isn't my fault.

im so sick of you.
your uncontrolled anger.
and you have the cheek to blame me for my anger.
fuck off?

Labels: family matters

"are you saying that i'll leave you?
i won't leave you.
trust me"

and i trusted every single word of yours..
three more days.

Labels: MrN

it all seems the same

seeing things other can't
being jealous of the person who can manage to make me laugh when i don't even wan to smile
bring me hope
made my dreams came true
love me
doubt me
leave me at the very most important time when i need you the most

you are very much similar to him

just leave if you want to
or need to.

i'll make it through like i always do.

Labels: MrN

i've said this before
cus i've always had shit being thrown at me

so if shit is done
let's just flush it away
if its stuck
ask your dear plumber to fix it
if your plumber refuse
then walk away
find a new bowl and a new plumber


i really need to find a plumber or a plumber's son~
haha

cus one..
i can't seem to flush the SHITS away

and two..
the pipes at home are being a lil crazy..


but ouh..
we'll just wait until the heart really turns into stone for him
then everyone can help me find a plumber..
haha.

okay. aku dah start merepek lagi.
bye sumer.
i need to clear up the mess in the kitchen.

Labels: MrN

yea bebeh~

i'm gona private the blog soon
erm.. by next monday, i.e; 22nd Feb
so if you stalkers wana keep reading
drop your blogger email address so i can link you up.

if you're using LJ or OS or Tumblr
erm.. too bad..
go get blogger or twitter or plurk
then can follow me okay~ =))

Labels: MrN

so two of the gurls were down.
and then i felt down too..
haizz..

*prays* end the misery for them please
i don't like seeing my GFs like this..
i really don't..
AMIN

so the three of us decided to crash Nyah's house to bake cake and cookies
from school, we bussed to Sheng Siong to get our ingredients
then bussed to Nyah's

from 6plus, after jay end her UT
we reached Nyah's at around 8++~!!
travel really consumes time!
BUT SINGAPORE IS SO SMALL!!
i wonder how we travel if in other countries ekh~
haha

so while the both of them start on the cake batter,
i went to the shop with Nyah's 2 younger sisters..
aku dah macam mak2 pegi kedai beli barang2 dapo oi!
kesian adek2 aku lapa..

so while jay continued baking
nayh mad spag goreng for us..
yummay!
tak pedas sangat cam tu ari nyer mac goreng~
aku sukeeeer~

Ibu came home hands filled with so many2 things..
and and~!!
she had a bouquet of roses!!
niiiiiccccceeeeee~
i loike~

haha..
which reminds me.
Jay is gona book me out for the 14th~
tho i dun exactly believe in Valentine's day..
but i told her..
since she asking me out
I WANT A FLOWER..
i still want the sponge floweeeeeerrrr~

anyway..
did the cookies wif sufi..
and it turned out.. very very flat..
haha. too much butter..? idk~

AND JAY'S CAKE MENJADI OKAY~!!
it's sooooooo nice~!
but what we did was just experimental~
haa..
i can imagine how the real one would be like!

yea..
reached home late~
but who cares?
time spent with both the GF was so great
anything was worth it~
=)

and ouh
i fed the hamsters..
nyah laughed when i call them tikus!
tikus ok per beb..
cute per..

haus betol ekh tikus2 kau tu..
laaa~ kiute gilerrrr!
BUT NO!
aku tanak bawak balek kay.
they are NOISY!!
haahaa..

kay mandi now and update pics later~
tata~

Hi. I know you love to read this blog.

Keep on reading, because my life rocks. Keep on stalking because I know you love me. Your ID keeps appearing on my blogpatrol. I love the hidden attention that you are giving me.

Woohoo! Rock on bitches and dudes. You love my life! :)

even if im confused by your confused state,
im still falling and falling.. deeper..? im not sure.

i don't know what exactly is going on
but you really should tell me SOONER than later
or i'll tickle it out from you. nyaaahaha~

please please please..
quit making me worry~

now?
im just too sleepy to worry.
please.. i wana see your text when i wake up

source: past

and for those who have nothing better to do..
nah~ for you! =)

suffer alone if i must
everyone else has someone to turn to
and both the gurls are telling me the same thing

yes
alone if i must~

and i don't even know if it would be for the better or the worst..
but i know i have to go on with this
cus the longer it goes..
the more i'll feel worst.

there are always two sides of things
and im just sick of waiting for you to tell the truth
no. i don't trust that you are telling me the truth

i just don't know if i'll trust you anyway~

im tired
very tired
exhausted in fact..

i officially give up
i'll stop waiting
i'll quit wanting to know

and as much as i miss you
as much as i don't want to do it
i have to

limits have been reached.
i'm tired.

once and for all
game has ended.
thank you, sorry. good bye.

yesterday (tuesday)
was crazy~
haha

after the paper at 4.30
first plan was to study for the next paper..
but..
was just sick and very tired of studying

what do you expect..?
science terms are crazy!!

so texted a whole lot of people
asking if anyone was free to lepak..

and before i could text everyone
Nas already asked me~
hahaha

so yea~
went sheeeeeeeshaaa-ing with Nas and Zul

ouh before that
i found out something..
which was very irritating..
asked around to knoe somethings..
and yeah..
some things were eliminated..
crazy~ nothing better to do la kan..? hmm..

waited for Zul at B&S
them met Nas at the shesha corner~

banyak story oi~
shesha tak gerak..
haha

nak kat gerak baru member story pasal story giler dier..
really crazy eh Nas..
haizz..
ape la naseb kau?

and ouh..
Ibu called at 1030~
haha

yea.. i stayed that late~
usually by 930 i would be meng-gelabah-ing already..
finding a cab home..
but not that day..

walked off with them..
parted at the train station and went my own way..

after that..
dun nid to story la kay~
let's keep it a secret.

reached home around 2 i guess..?
i dun quite remember
*checking twitter*
yeap.. almost 2..

called the people on the miss calls list.
best uh ader mxg service to inform of miss calls.
den member "complain" aku busuk~
-____-"
tak ke kurang asem..?
dah bagus tu aku sampai rumah aku kol balek..
hrmph~

and i did another crazy thing~
which was to sleep super late.. at 3am
when i have a paper at 830am~
hah!

lucky i could wake up..
BUT i was still late..
cus i forgot to put my laptop charger in my bag..
-______-"

haha~


cabbed to school from Marsiling..
caused me SIX freaking dollars!
0_o"

anywhat~
start up the lappy in the cab..
so when i reached class, i can just key in the UT key and start..

but nooo~
the faci just had to make me go crazy~
asked for id card..
take attandance..
flash attandance list
askeD me to tel him which number is my name at..

FUCK!
i repeated "faci, i nid d UT key" like three freaking times..

he did nothing~
apart from busying himself with the attandance list~ O_o"

then he opened the door and stod there looking out..
i almost went super crazy
almost screaming at the top of my lungs!

but since it was a test
i just had the anger tone
but normal volume..
abit softer i gues..

yes, i said the same line
then he gabra.. panic.. menglabah..
walk quickly to his laptop and flash the UT key for me..
and because for that, i only had 49 minutes for my UT

haha~
pey deng ni faci..
lau tangan aku ringan dah whack daah~
*rolls eyes*

when UT ended
passed falah my gulong
which i gave up on after just afew hours..
haha

then went breakfast-ing with Ros and Wai at civi's Mac~
LIKE FINALLY~!!

yea~
finally got my breakfast
tgu member sampai Mac no longer in operation la kot~
heh. kay bedek. hehe~

and finally
got to spend the crazy times with Ros and Wai again..
not forgeting Amad and his classmates later on..

gosh~
really miss the crazy days we had spent together..
going super crazy over FYP~
haha.

school's gona oficially end soon~
and idk if im gna miss RP
but i'll definitly miss the time and people i spent in it with~

gta sleep~
PLUS
i am wangi since after isyak~
gud kan?
ouh well..
was home all day~

and i've got a secret.
Nyah knows it.
nak tau?
tak boleh.

haizz..
my eyes can pop OUT through my glasses i tell you~
so tired looking at the laptop screen..
on the other hand..
lappy has been good~
very good.. =)

i love you lappy. =)
haven't been hanging the whole day..
and not as noisy as the other WORST days.. =))

but seriously..
i only absorbed very little things
which i doubt would have any effect on the test tomorrow~
tsk~
not liking it..

and right now i am stuck to AI's problem 12..
on the m/z value calculation..
haizz..

see..
"good" student..
always cabot class right?
uh padan muker kau! heh~

Falah macam paham only~
"okay we study together uh.. i teach you.."
-__-"
end up..
somethings he also dunoe..
and now he is with his kedai kopi gang~
pantatz~

ouh..
look at what i had for my break..


yummy chicken something and hot choc..
=))
which i didn't finish in the end.
heh.. standard la kan atie~
but is packed in my bag~ =))

and look at my speckie..

senget-ed already..
=\

and ouh ouuuh~!
haha..
before heading to the library
went for a smoke
then..
i burnt my hair instead of lighting the stick!
aha..

funny sia..
now part of my fringe is super dry and curly on the end..
haha..
but of cus it's not obvious la~

okay..
gta get back to studying~

and meeting chip later.
that deng nak aje makanan aku yang tak abes..
mongster!!! hahahaha.. mong mong monggggg-ster!

you're always like this
ALWAYS~!

and then suddenly you go offline~
why eh?
irritz u noe??

and yes i can feel it.
truth is NOT being told.
fine.

you can know things but i can't?
fine..

you're just not the same person i once knew..
or maybe that wasn't even you at all..
maybe it was all just cover ups
lies after lies..
idk..
and i never will know..

cus i don't know when i will ever learnt to trust.

it's just so difficult to trust with all the different things going on at the same time right?
all the different information and stuff..
well..
beats me.


hurt me please..
just hurt me
make me hate you my whole life.
go on and hurt me like you'll never hurt another soul..
just go on and hurt me..
so that i'll hate and keep hating you
and will never bother you ever again.


what is trust?
to trust?
trusting?

what is believe?
believe in who?? what??

when will it end?
am i running with you?
or after you?
or am i running alone?

one-sided?
but hope.. there was a glimps of hope..

and in times like this
i just wana cut that string
pass it all back to you
and hit the stop button

and if i could
i'd erase all those times with you
if i could
i'd throw all the feelings far away
i'd burn them all into ashes and let them fly freely
if i could
i don't want to be this gurl who types all her feelings out
hoping to be heard
and hoping for something to change
but nothing works..
if i could
i don't wana fall for you

cus now
i'm not only tired
im exhausted
and i've lost all hopes..

if i really could.. i surely would

Seriously..
I really don't understand like totally..
Tsk.. I hate this so much.

End the game please..?

i am dead serious
not at this time when i really have to concentrate
fuck all the shits!

damn it
from the
"just forget him la beb"
to the
"you should have taken the lamb before the lamb ran away"
to the
"you are better of w/o him. he won't be better off w/o you beb"

and then an unknown tagger??

ekh, please la
tell me kay people
WHATHEFUCK IS GOING ON?

stop kipping things from me.

uh ye la kan
suke kan buat keje bodoh cam ni pat orang kan
kepale hotak korang la

tak suke cakap uh terang2 tak suke
pe hal sak bobual cover2 ni sumer
ko pikir ape?
fun fair per siak; bodoh2 kan anak orang

sial betol la

but seriously la
if you ever fuckingly plan to disturb my life
do it after my last fucking paper.
this just suck

to hell with you idiots!

the MUST karaoke song back then for one and only me!
haha..

finding more of those songs I always sing without fail when karaoke-ing at home..
but the VCDs are like gone or something..

NAS!
lau gi melalak kau tekan ni lagu untok aku la yer~
haha..

okay..
i really have to start on my revision..
CALCULATOR FOR TEST TOMORROW~!!
gosh.. check2 tak de battry eh..

yes.
i am just tired.
of everything..

of trying to be the good girl
of trying to be the best
of trying to understand things
of trying to be everything every-different-one wants me to be

everyone expects everything from me.

atie this atie that
kak ti this kak ti that
nurul this nurul that

i am just tired
i am just so tired

why?
why can't everyone just stop telling me to not be me?
why??

you must wake up first
you must go to school
you must score and go to uni
because your sister repeated one semester and didn't go to uni. FUCK!
you must stop working
you must not go out with him, her, them, that girl, that boy, that group of people
you must stop your adfditional activities
you have to reflect
you must not be jealous of him, her, them, that gurl, that boy, that gruop of people
you can only do dance. not dk not drama
you must wash the fan.. blablabla
you must iron your clothes
you must clean your room
you must clear the bin
you must eat the food
you must this you must that

I AM TIRED
I AM JUST FUCKING TIRED
OF EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING

what if i cn't do it?
what if i just cannot manage to achieve everything that everyone ask from me?
doesn't anyone think of it?
what if i break down?
what if fail?

how far more do everyone have to push me now??
i am tired..
can someone just ONE person see it..?
PLEASE..
i am just so tired

must i faint and fall ill then everyone would start to panic..?

everything is just beyond my means..
yet i stretch to try to grab it
for the ones i care so much for..

but if i mean nothing to these poeple..
because they only think of themselves when they tell me to do things..
then i might as well stop..

i am tired.
i really am tired.

after the 12th
i just wana be a poor kid
resting at home
doing her own stuffs..

i am just tired of trying and keep failing..

and sometimes i just wonder..
how am i suppose to get things done to whatever they want me to..
when none of them came to guide me thru..

sometimes i feel dissapointed
with myself cus i just can't do it.

but other times..
i'm just sadden by the fact that these people i care for don't see how much i struggle just to reach out for what they want me to get.. for themselves..

tired.
i really am..

haha~
went to the old blog page..
and i realise i still have NOT gotten my food cravingsss~!
haha

this was the "list"

"from Mac's breakfast..
to KFC's original chicken~
to LJS' chicken dipped in cheese
to BK's fries and drumlets
to SR's lamb stew"

so let's see..
#1 NOPE
#2 done-ded. with Nyah~ haha
#3 nope.. but dun tink im 'craving' fr it this month~ or last..
#4 hmm.. got the fries just now. i think it taste weird.
OUUUUH DRUMLETS~!!! I WANT! haha. *shouts to herself; GEMOK!*
#5 err.. tak pe la ni..

haha..
but stil..
I WANT MY MAC'S BREAKFASSSSSSTTTTTT~!!
*hints: weekends hours are exted till 12noon~*

and talking about drumlets..
i had the cafe's drumlets like.. SIX pieces today!
OMG~!! sodap giler DOH!

when i was at my 5th piece..
i was like..
"heaven or waaaaaaaaat~"

then i was like thinking..
if i get to eat the drumlets and wings at pizza hut PON AWESOME SAAAAAK~!!!!!
*drools*

gosh!
fat-ness~ hahahaha

okay that's it about food..

the blue-black bruise on my left arm which Nyah spot yesterday night turned red and very very itchy~
and my neck is getting itchier by the minute.
and so are both of my arms!

mandi and tido time.
LAB!
must NOT be late!
again -_-"

seriously.
everything was my fault.
i was just so dumb.
=\

things won't happen if i had just sent you home
and not make you talk..

why was i just so stupid??

i'm just a worthless piece of shit
whose brain is blank
who can never think things properly

and what took me so long to realise that you weren't yourself??
why didn't i see it?
why was i just so dumb and stupid to not move off in the first place..???

i troubled so many people in just a short one hour plus..
im just so terribly dumb. =\

you always hug me back when i hug you
you always take the tissue from my hand to wipe your tears,
not waiting for me to wipe them for you
you always smoke with your left hand
you never stare at me
you never say nothing when i call your name..
it will at least be "ape?" or something else..
or look at me instead of staring..

why was i just so stupid??

all i could do was cry and cry buckets
you didn't move a single bit
you kept staring at me as if you were angry that i was forcing you to leave the place
when i called apiz, u just smiled and laughed small laughter..
as if you were thinking; "padan muke korang. skg baru tau. amek kau obat~!"

seriously..
when you started staring and smiling more like a mad person..
only then did i realise..

i was so afraid..
very afraid..

when i reached home..
i realise that it happened after you passed your phone to me..

why was i so dumb??

i couldn't sleep well last night..
your stares scared me so much i kept seeing them when i close my eyes.
i was just so afraid to sleep..

i really hope it won't happen again..
i was just too dumb and stupid
so worthless
so empty
i know nothing..

i'm very sorry beb.

it's traumatizing me right now..
making me feel so guilty
everything..

i love you beb.
i won't let such things happen agn bcs of me.
im sorry. =\